It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Randomize
