i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
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