mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
