just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Randomize
