i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Randomize
