You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
Randomize
