Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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