you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
While all the other girls were trying to out skut the next, Cameron was just doing cartwheels around the bar. I think she's the only one who got laid.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Randomize
