just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Randomize
