The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
I feel kinda awkward using the Sesame Street themed Google to search for hot young pussy...
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Randomize
