Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
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