Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Randomize
