I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
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