You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
did i just pee glitter
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
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