Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
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