once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
Randomize
