I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
Randomize
