i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
birth control should be required to get into college
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
Randomize
