Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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