If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
Am I a whore if I make out with a boy just so michelle can't?
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
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