I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
We got so high we made milksteak
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
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