There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
Randomize
