This girl is drinking wine and watching grey's anatomy in the library during finals week. I hate comm majors.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Randomize
