I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
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