So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Randomize
