oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
Does she know that uploading nude photos to photobucket and networking are two different things? You may want to ask.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
