you can still come hang out if you want
I really don't feel like watching you play video games
just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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