Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
Thank you for FINALLY joining the Slutasorus Rex club in this conversation.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
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