I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
suntimes in life you find a rare opportunity, mine was bonin my gf in front of the tv
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
Is Oprah even human
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
Randomize
