Soap is not a condiment
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
Sorry I twat blocked you earlier I didn't know Sam was over. But, my house my rules, I don't have to knock before I enter. I did see naked butts and smelt "Sex Stank" in the air, we're going to have to set some ground rules when I get home. Hugs and kisses..Mom
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
Randomize