the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
