saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
Randomize
