if you like me you must not know who I am
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
