Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
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