So drunk its hurt
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Randomize