guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
There was a community pot of Ramen, and if you were in the pool you were either fully clothes or ass naked.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Randomize
