I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
