I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
I know it's anime porn but I promise you the guy looks like Fred Durst
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
