half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
Also, upon examining the photos, I have concluded that you were the sloppiest drunk girl of the night. And that's saying something considering Hurricane Jessica was in town.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
