im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
Dicks are not precious.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Randomize