so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Randomize
