Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Randomize