I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
