Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
I have post one night stand depression
Randomize
