My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
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