He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
Randomize
