White boys cant dance....we did an empirical study
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize