Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
Randomize
