i was born a porn star she said
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
And then the night went full on bisexual.
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
