this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
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