I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
I have peed in a lot of sinks
Randomize
