you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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