we're blogging at a bar
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
Update: it wasn't just our driver. This ticket confirms that the Royal Oak PD also found our behavior on the party bus to be "Lewd and Indecent."
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
