Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
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