i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
