i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
This whole thing is fucking bullshit. I should be wasting all my hard-earned money at Planet Con this weekend but NOOOOOOOOO. Now I'll never get Roy Thomas to sign my comic
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