he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
Randomize