Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
I'm way too hungover for life right now
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
Randomize
