im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
Randomize
