my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
Randomize
