You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
Randomize
