Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
You left your underwear on the fireplace
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Randomize
