You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Randomize
