he just said he was sorry he wasnt been able to come by more often coz things are really crazy with that girl
you mean his girlfriend
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Randomize
