Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
I skipped work to stalk him.
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
Randomize
