Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
Randomize
