I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
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