If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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