One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
That 2-CB was ass.
You mean the asprin cut with pez?
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