throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
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