you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
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