I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
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