The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Randomize
